Not Broken

So I am not proud of myself and need to ask for forgiveness from my readers. Yesterday I allowed my emotions to get the best of me and while I may have been right to have them, I should have refrained from commenting on someone else’s experiences/ opinions. The subject is a very difficult one to talk about and the writer struck a nerve that I allowed to get the best of me. With that I am going to share my experience to add light why I felt so strongly about the topic.

See the kid in the picture? That is me, just a child that didn’t have a voice, so she thought.

I can’t remember when it started but I do remember when it ended. I was 13 years old and in the biggest 13 year old voice I could muster I threatened the man that had sexually abused me. I told him if he ever touched me again I would kill him. I didn’t know how, but I would. Two days later he dropped dead with a heart attack. I mourned his death and even though he was abusive, I did love him. He was my grandfather and I still loved him for the times that he was just my Papa and not a monster.

I didn’t tell anyone in my family until I was 18 and I can’t remember how it came up but I was happy that I finally had a voice. You see when you are a child the devil whispers in your ears that if you tell you will hurt your family. That you will break your Nana’s heart and she will be mad at you. That if you tell you are a bad person and no one will believe you anyhow. I felt guilty, shamed and embarrassed so I did as told and never spoke a word of it to anyone. I started college and took a psychology class from one of the greatest teachers I have ever had and through his class my ahah moment happened. I learned this was not my fault and I did have a voice and though he was dead, it was time my family knew. That day was one of the most liberating moments of my life and has made it possible for me to share my story and heal. I have since counseled many and while I am not a professional have been thanked for just listening. Not only had this brought healing for them but to me as well.

A few months ago I was changing my little one’s diaper and noticed he had diaper rash. I tried everything to clear it with no success.  I read another mom’s solution that she used a touch of Vaseline on her little one so I decided to try that. I opened the container and went to scoop a touch out only to find myself paralyzed with fear. It took me a minute to figure out what was happening and I quickly closed the container and washed my hands.  This was a trigger for me and though I had put it in the back of my mind it was still there. I took a deep breath and put it back in the cabinet. I told my husband what happened and he said to throw it away. I explained I didn’t want to throw it away because it is a great first aid ointment and I would work through it. I haven’t opened it back up since but when the time is right I will work through it.

My point to all of this is your memory can be very selective when you have been traumatized and the smallest thing can bring all of it back. While I remember certain things in detail, smells, sounds etc. there are others I have apparently forgot. So when a person speaks up and can’t remember details they are not lying. Memory repression is a coping mechanism and they are not eliminating details by choice.

While my childhood experiences were traumatic I chose to never allow them to control me. I refuse to be a victim and while I have moments that trigger the experience, I will breathe through and work through them.

No child, male or female, should have to endure this and my heart hurts for anyone that has a similar story to mine. I pray that you are able to find peace and use this to make you a stronger individual. I hope that reading my story will allow you to speak up if you never have and will find peace.

Remember this was not your fault! You are a survivor and healing can happen.

Tanya

 

 

If you believe you have witnessed a child being abused please speak up! You can be that child’s salvation! Click here for phone numbers by state.

¹Childhelp® is a national organization that provides crisis assistance and other counseling and referral services. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline external linkis staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with professional crisis counselors who have access to a database of 55,000 emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are anonymous. Contact them at 1.800.4.A.CHILD (1.800.422.4453).

If you need help with personal or family situations, you may wish to visit our resources on Where to Find Help.

¹Information provided by Child Welfare Information Gateway

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2 Comments

  1. Wow. This is so powerful. I hate that things like this happened and continue to happen. I’m glad you haven’t let it define you.

  2. This is so touching and heartbreaking at the same time. I grew up in an environment much like yours and for that feel the same about refusing to let my child experience the same. Conversations of spanking a child get me riled up. “I was spanked and I am fine” makes me so angry that I find it so hard to refrain myself. It’s sad to think that people still feel that way and would want to hurt their own child. We can’t always change their minds, but we can change the course of our own futures with our own children. Hopefully we can pass the love and support on to them that will eventually trickle out to the rest of the world. ❤️

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