Should You Teach Your Children About Mistakes You’ve Made?

It’s very easy for parental or self-help blogs and books to imply the world will be fixed if only you follow a set routine and process. But of course, life is often very messy. This is something we learn as we get older if our parents appropriately shielded us from some of the chaos of life, but sometimes, children learn it early. It’s not always an easy lesson to cope with.

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Understanding when to tell your children about the tougher aspects of life can be a hard decision to make. Sometimes, that decision is made for you, such as when you lose a relative and need to explain to them what has happened, why, and how (within appropriate bounds).

Often, using real-life examples can help you teach your children the importance of certain habits. For example, they shouldn’t run with scissors, because of the child who fell over and injured themselves. It helps them understand and gain a picture of how to live in the world and what practices to avoid.

But another question comes to mind in these instances – should you teach your children about mistakes you, personally, have made? Perhaps you went through the most important learning experience of your life thanks to that, and you credit those lessons with everything you have now. Yet is it appropriate for a child? Let’s consider that, below:

Think Through The Moral

You might have a good story that could serve as a strong warning for a child, but it helps to consider what lesson you want them to take from it. Not every misstep in life carries a neatly packaged moral, and children are excellent at spotting contradictions and catching you out as well. If the message is muddled or overly complex, it may not land the way you intend.

For instance, a mistake you made as a reckless teenager might be an important part of your growth, but would a younger child understand that context? If they’re too young to grasp the cause-and-effect of what happened, it could confuse more than educate, and make them think differently about you. It’s often better to distill the lesson into something relatable, such as why taking responsibility matters, why dishonesty creates more problems, or why thinking before acting is valuable. This way they’ll understand the takeaway more than how it relates to you specifically.

Refer To Yourself In Third Person

Sometimes, framing your personal experiences in a way that puts some distance between yourself and the story can be useful. So, instead of saying, “I made this mistake,” it can be easier for a child to process if you say, “Someone I knew once made this mistake.” The lesson is still the same, but it avoids the risk of them seeing you differently or misunderstanding the gravity of what you’re sharing, which kids and even teenagers can easily do.

There’s also the risk that they take your past choices as permission, which is the opposite of what you want. If a parent admits to lying, breaking a rule, or making a poor decision, a child might think, “Well, they did it, so it must not be that bad.” For instance, if you quit smoking before they were born but tell them you smoked all through high school, then they might feel less daring picking up the habit, even if it is on the out now. As such, reframing the story allows them to focus on the takeaway, rather than becoming overly fixated on the fact that it was you. As they grow older and develop a stronger sense of nuance, you can share more openly, especially as they go into their adult years and have a few stories of their own.

Soften The Details With Age-Appropriateness In Mind

Every child is different in how they process information, which means what might be harmless to one could be unsettling to another. It’s wise, then, to adjust the level of detail you share depending on their age, temperament, and maturity. A vague mention of a bad decision might be enough for a younger child, while an older one may be ready to hear more of the specifics. For example, you’re not going to tell a smaller child about the dangers of unprotected intimacy, but a teenager can understand it.

This doesn’t mean sugarcoating or lying, nor does it mean giving essential lessons when necessary (such as making it clear to that young child about the dangers of strangers), but it does mean being mindful of how much they need to know. If a mistake leads to serious consequences, focus on the lesson rather than focusing too much on the worst parts. This way they can adopt the lesson as a young mind without being too shocked by the truth that underlies it.

Don’t Let Them Justify An Action Through You

This is important, even if we did allude to it above. As you know from your career as a child, kids can be quick to latch onto loopholes, and if they hear that you got through a rough patch and turned out fine, they may assume they’ll be just as lucky. As per our smoking example, if you’ve quit they might wonder what the big deal was, you had a habit you enjoyed for ten years then gave it up, right? Well, they don’t think through the health impacts, the lost money, the reduced quality of life and the fact you regret it now. Some kids do, but that would be a mature child.

If you don’t let them justify an action through you and remain clear about the issue, it helps to reinforce the idea that mistakes come with consequences, and while you learned from yours, it doesn’t mean they’re worth repeating. For example, perhaps you see your old temper in your child, but can warn them about how you once had to use 24 Hour Bail Bonds to overcome a mistake you made at an old workplace thanks to it. Talking about how a different decision could have led to a better outcome makes it clear that just because you made a mistake, it doesn’t mean they need to follow in your footsteps.

Avoid Unnecessary Guilt

Children often look up to their parents as statues of certainty and security. As we get older we learn just how much this isn’t the truth, that our parents did their best (if they did) and that it’s their first time through life too.

However, as a younger child, learning that a parent made a serious mistake can sometimes shake their perception of that stability, especially if they’re still at an age where they see the world in black and white. It’s important to reassure them that mistakes are a part of life and that what matters most is how we learn and grow from them.

If a child starts to feel anxious or guilty about a parent’s past actions, perhaps worrying that it will happen to them or that it reflects on their own life, it can be helpful to shift the conversation. For example, you might talk about the massive improvement of your uncle who overcame morbid obesity. If there’s a silver lining your child is less likely to feel too shocked or judgemental about it all, but you can still offer a lesson with kindness.

With this advice, you’ll be certain to better teach your children about mistakes you’ve made as part of your clear raising of them as little individuals, but will also do so wisely.